Self-consistent Programmer

1.1 First Principles Thinking at Work - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life#

What is First Principles Thinking?#

The term "first principles" was first proposed by Aristotle. However, if it weren't for Musk mentioning it all the time, this term might still be gathering dust in the corner of philosophy books.

In simple terms, first principles thinking means: not following the crowd, not blindly trusting second-hand conclusions, but rather rethinking problems from the most basic facts.

An Example 🌰#

You might be tired of hearing the story of Musk wanting to build rockets, but it's truly an excellent example:

When everyone was saying, "Rockets are too expensive, we can't afford them," what was Musk thinking? - "Wait, what exactly is a rocket?" - "How much aluminum and fuel does it take to build a rocket?" - "How much do these raw materials cost in total?" - "Why is the assembly so expensive?"

It's like when we write code; instead of copying answers from Stack Overflow, we should think about what problem this piece of code is actually solving and what it would look like if we wrote it from scratch.

Why Use First Principles Thinking at Work?#

In the workplace, we are often surrounded by various "you should..." statements:

"You should go to a big company" (Is BAT the ultimate dream for programmers?)
"You should switch to management" (Shouldn't tech experts lead teams?)
"You should hustle" (If you don't hustle, you'll be optimized out?)
"You should reach P8 before 35" (Why not 38?)
"You should work as hard as the neighbor Wang" (Wang wants to be as relaxed as you...)

Where do these "shoulds" come from?

Parents' expectations: "Look at the neighbor's Xiao Ming..."
Peer pressure: "They are all at big companies..."
Social opinion: "35-year-old crisis..."

2. Industry Inertia#

"Frontend must know React"
"Backend must know distributed systems"
"Full-stack engineers have a future"

3. Personal Cognitive Limitations#

"Everyone is doing this, so I will too"
"Using the old method is always safe"
"Uncertain things are the scariest"

However, if we think from first principles, the most fundamental question is: "Why do I need to go to work, and why do I need to write code?"

Evolution of Work Cognition#

Just Entering the Workforce: Simple and Direct#

When starting work, thoughts are particularly pure:

Make money to support oneself
Learn skills and gain experience
Be independent, not rely on parents
Prove oneself, I can do it!

Real Case#

When I (Little Spicy Strip) just graduated:

"I would be satisfied with a monthly salary over 10,000"
"A company with free snacks is a good company"
"As long as I can learn technology, that's enough"
"My boss praised my code, I'm happy!"

At that time, the thoughts were simple; just thinking about making a living is not a bad thing; it's a necessary path.

Three to Five Years Later: Starting to Question Life#

After a few years of work, you might find that the more code you write, the more problems you encounter:

"Do I really like writing code? Or is it just because the salary is decent?"
"Why am I working overtime every day fixing bugs while the neighbor Wang is slacking off and getting promoted?"
"Is this job what I want, or is it just a 'good job' in others' eyes?"
"Is the 35-year-old crisis real? Should I switch to management?"
"Should I change jobs? Should I start a business? Should I just lay flat?"

Typical Confusion#

"My salary has increased, but I feel like I'm getting worse"
"The deeper I learn technology, the further I seem to be from the product"
"The job is stable, but it's so boring I want to doze off"
"The income is decent, but my hair is getting thinner"

At this point, we start to focus on some deeper questions:

"How many more years can I hustle?"
"Should I switch careers?"
"Should I take the civil service exam?"
"Should I go back home and open a hotpot restaurant?"

A More Mature Stage: Starting to See Through#

After years of ups and downs, many people reach a more transparent state:

No longer anxious about whether to switch to management (after all, they are all pits)
No longer tangled about whether to join a big company (big companies also lay off)
Found their own rhythm (slacking off and hustling are both parts of life)
Established their own judgment standards (the boss's happiness is not the most important; one's own happiness is)

Real Case#

My (Spicy Strip) ten-year work insights:

After leaving BAT, I chose a small company (less money, less work, higher quality of life)
Refused several management positions (I still prefer writing code)
Had time to accompany family (no more explaining to my wife why I have to work overtime)
Started a side business (got into cryptocurrency)
My mindset became more laid-back (project delayed? Let it be, the sky won't fall)

Rethinking Work with First Principles#

Let's throw away all the constraints and rethink: what exactly is work?

1. Work is Value Exchange#

Just like an API call:

Request:
- Time (8 hours a day, overtime counted separately)
- Skills (self-cultivation of a CRUD boy)
- Creativity (how to implement the product manager's requirements)
- Physical strength (focus for 8 hours of continuous debugging)
Response:
- Salary (the antidote to mortgage and car loan)
- Experience (learning from bugs)
- Connections (colleagues, future business partners?)
- Sense of achievement (finally fixed this bug!)

2. Work is a Game of Growth#

Skill trees continuously upgrade
Cognitive levels continuously improve
Thinking methods continuously evolve
Social skills continuously enhance

It's like playing an RPG game; work is the main quest, but don't forget there are side quests (side businesses) and leisure quests (life).

3. Work is Part of Life#

Not everything (there are also family and warmth)
Needs balance (can't have both hair and salary)
Must have boundaries (after work is after work, set work groups to do not disturb)

Establishing Your Work Perspective#

1. Break Free from the Constraints of "Should"#

It's not necessary to join a big company (small companies can also thrive)
It's not necessary to be a leader (technical experts are also valuable)
Find your own rhythm (some like to sprint, some like marathons)

2. Establish Healthy Work Boundaries#

Slack off when it's time to slack off
Work hard when it's time to work hard
Rest when it's time to rest

3. Keep Evolving and Iterating#

Regularly reflect and summarize (just like code needs refactoring)
Adjust direction in a timely manner (if the requirements change, change the plan)
Stay open and learn (new frameworks to learn, new languages to understand)

Practical Suggestions#

Regularly Talk to Yourself
Monthly reflection: Was this month’s slacking off worth it?
Record your mood, see your emotions: Did I feel like jumping off the building after fixing bugs today?
Review gains and losses: Where did this project go wrong?
Establish an Evaluation Framework
Is work enjoyable?
Is technology improving?
Is the income sufficient?
Make Timely Adjustments
If unhappy, change (there's always a more suitable pit)
Trust your instincts (if you're mentally exhausted, it's time to go)
Boldly try (the worst that can happen is going back to continue writing CRUD)

Final Words#

Using first principles to think about work is not to deny everything that exists but to help us:

See the essence (work is just exchange)
Establish standards (happiness is the most important)
Make choices (life is short, cut losses in time)

The author also wants to emphasize that your understanding of work will change with age and experience, and that's normal. The key is to frequently ask yourself: "Why do I work?" Only by occasionally reflecting on this question can you occasionally lift your head from the details of code and the tediousness of work to see what you truly want at this stage.

After all, life is short, and code should be sweet. 🍬

1.2 Struggling at Work is Normal - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

Did You Struggle Today?#

"The requirements changed three times today..." "I've been fixing this bug for a week and still haven't solved it..." "The product manager changed the requirements again..." "The boss said we need to work overtime this weekend..."

If you often find yourself saying such things, don't worry, you're not alone. Every programmer struggles; it's just that some struggle more gracefully while others struggle more awkwardly.

Daily Struggles of Programmers#

Technical Struggles#

"The documentation for this framework is like a foreign language..."
"Which ancestor wrote this code? Where are the comments?"
"Why does it run fine locally but crashes when deployed?"
"Where did this bug even come from?"

Business Struggles#

"Product manager, can we communicate properly?"
"Does anyone actually use this requirement?"
"Changing requirements again? Why don't you write the code?"
"Does this feature really need to go live this week?"

Team Struggles#

"Why is my code review always nitpicked?"
"Why is my code always said to be non-standard?"
"I can't understand Wang's code..."
"The new colleague's skills are a bit lacking; it's exhausting to train them..."

Why Do We Struggle?#

1. Rapid Technological Development#

Yesterday's best practices become cautionary tales today
Just learned Vue2, and Vue3 comes out
Just figured out Redux, and Mobx is trending
Just got into Docker, and now k8s is here

It's like when you just bought an iPhone 13, and the iPhone 14 is released; those who understand know what I mean...

2. Fluctuating Business Requirements#

Common phrases from product managers:

"This feature is simple; can you finish it before the end of the day?"
"The client said to make a small change."
"This requirement is urgent; can we go live today?"

Every time I hear the word "simple," my heart sinks. Experience tells us that when a product manager says "simple," it often means an all-nighter.

3. Complex Interpersonal Relationships#

Product managers want creativity
Testers want zero defects
Operations want quick launches
Bosses want cost reduction and efficiency
I just want to quietly write code

It's like playing a multiplayer online game where everyone wants to be the center of attention, but the one who often takes the blame is the programmer...

What is the Essence of Struggle?#

If you think about it carefully, struggles at work boil down to a few situations:

1. Mismatch Between Ability and Requirements#

Project requirement: Mastery of distributed architecture
Reality: Proficient in CRUD
Final result: Working overtime every day and still not finishing

2. Mismatch Between Expectations and Reality#

Expectation: Write elegant code without distractions and change the world
Reality: Fixing bugs every day, dealing with requirements from all directions
Result: Questioning life every day

3. Mismatch Between Effort and Reward#

Effort: Working 12 hours a day
Reward: Salary increase not keeping up with inflation
Outcome: Hair getting thinner

How to Struggle Gracefully?#

1. Adjust Your Mindset#

Treat bugs as bonus questions
Treat overtime as charging time
Treat changing requirements as exercise
Treat taking the blame as experience

(Okay, I know this sounds like a "mental victory" approach, but it really works!)

2. Improve Your Skills; the More You Struggle, the Faster You Grow#

Learn a new skill every day
Try to solve problems on your own first
Reflect and summarize regularly
Build a knowledge system

3. Build Your Moat#

On the technical side:
- Be proficient in at least one area
- Deepen your expertise in at least one direction
- Stand out in at least one specialty
On the soft skills side:
- Learn to negotiate with product managers
- Learn to reason with testers
- Learn to say no to leaders
- Learn to help each other with colleagues

Growth Through Struggle#

1. Technical Growth#

From "How do I fix this bug?" to "Why does this bug exist?"
From "How do I write this code?" to "How should this code be designed?"
From "Copy and paste" to "Look at the source code for answers"

2. Thinking Growth#

From "Completing tasks" to "Solving problems"
From "Writing code" to "Writing proposals"
From "Fixing bugs" to "Preventing bugs"

3. Career Growth#

From "Passively receiving requirements" to "Proactively proposing solutions"
From "Just writing code" to "Participating in decision-making"
From "Solo fighting" to "Team collaboration"

Final Words#

Struggles at work are like a compulsory course in life: it's not your fault, but you have to solve it. It's not something you can control, but you have to take responsibility. It's not what you want, but you have to face it.

Instead of complaining about struggles, treat them as opportunities for growth. Just like refactoring code, the process of struggling is also the process of refactoring oneself.

In the end, struggling is normal, but happiness can be too! You can't control the reality of struggles at work, but you can control your attitude towards facing that reality.

1.3 Work Cannot Carry Too Much Meaning, But Don't Fall into Work Nihilism - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

Two Extremes About Work#

Recently, I've often seen two extreme voices in programmer groups:

Extreme 1: Work is Everything in Life#

"How can you progress without working overtime?"
"How can you succeed without hustling?"
"Work is the meaning of life!"
"Working hard is the only way to have a future!"

These people treat work as everything in life, as if they can't survive without it. They work late into the night, think about work on weekends, and their social media is filled with technical articles...

Extreme 2: Work is a Waste of Life#

"Isn't work just for making money?"
"After all, it's just working for the boss"
"Going to work is a waste of life"
"If I can slack off, I will"

These people feel that work is meaningless, that going to work is consuming life, and that there is no other meaning besides making money; they would love to quit and wander off immediately.

Why Are There These Two Extremes?#

Pressure from mortgages and car loans
Anxiety about the 35-year-old crisis
Comparison with peers
Parents' expectations

2. The Amplifying Effect of the Internet#

Brainwashing from success studies
The temptation of "lying flat"
The spread of various extreme viewpoints
Accumulation of negative energy

3. Limitations of Personal Cognition, and of Course, the Current Mainstream Work Ethic#

Equating work with life
Equating hard work with the highest morality
Equating income with value
Equating position with ability
Equating busyness with progress

What Does Work Actually Carry?#

1. The Most Basic: Survival Needs#

Basic needs (this is the most fundamental)
Housing (a place to live)
Transportation (a means of getting around)
Medical insurance (just in case)

2. Advanced: Growth Needs#

Skill improvement
Expanding horizons
Networking
Accumulating experience

3. Higher Level: Self-Actualization#

Sense of achievement
Value recognition
Social contribution
Personal influence

What is the Truth About Work?#

1. Work is Neither Everything Nor Nihilistic#

It is part of life, but not everything
It has its value, but it's not the only value
It deserves serious attention, but don't take it too seriously
It requires investment, but not infinite investment

2. Work is a Balance#

Between ideals and reality
Between effort and reward
Between personal and team
Between work and life

3. Work is a Process#

It's not the destination, but the journey
It's not the result, but the experience
It's not a burden, but a choice
It's not a constraint, but an opportunity

How to Find Balance?#

1. Give Work an Appropriate Place#

Don't take it too seriously
Don't take it too lightly
Find a comfortable rhythm
Maintain a healthy distance

2. Establish a Diverse Life#

Have hobbies outside of work
Have friends outside of the workplace
Have interests outside of technology
Have pursuits outside of income

3. Maintain Clear Awareness#

Know what you want
Understand what you are doing
Be clear about what you can do
Know what you should do

Some Specific Suggestions#

1. Work Hours#

Leave when it's time to get off
Try not to work overtime on weekends
Take good breaks
Slack off in moderation

2. Work Attitude#

Be serious when it's time to be serious
Relax when it's time to relax
Say no when it's time to say no
Compromise when it's time to compromise

3. Work Methods#

Improve efficiency, not extend time
Pursue quality, not just quantity
Focus on growth, not just pure effort
Emphasize methods, not just brute force

Final Words#

Work is like a dimension of life: it's important, but not the only one. It requires investment, but it should be measured. It deserves serious attention, but don't be too obsessed.

Work is for a better life, not to make life an appendage to work.

Our goal is: work seriously, live happily. Be neither a slave to work nor an escapee from life.

Finally, here's a saying for everyone: Work and life are like code and comments; both are indispensable, but the ratio should be appropriate.

2.1 Open Mindset, Your First Lesson at Work - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

Why is an Open Mindset So Important?#

Do you remember the feeling when you first encountered a new framework? Faced with a screen full of new concepts, you might, like me, want to immediately close the editor and retreat to your familiar "comfort zone." It's like a frog that has never seen the ocean suddenly thrown into the Pacific Ocean—panicking uncontrollably.

But did you know? It's often this feeling of "panicking uncontrollably" that indicates we have encountered an opportunity for growth.

Fixed Mindset vs. Growth Mindset#

When it comes to thinking patterns, we must mention the two types proposed by psychologist Carol Dweck:

Those with a fixed mindset think like this:

"This new framework is too difficult; I can't learn it."
"I'm just a backend programmer; I don't even want to touch frontend stuff."
"I've been writing Java for ten years; I can't change this habit."
"New technology? I'll wait for others to step on the pit first."

Does this sound familiar? It's like a stubborn ostrich that buries its head in the sand when faced with challenges, thinking, "If I can't see it, it doesn't exist."

Those with a growth mindset think like this:

"Although I don't understand it, it seems interesting."
"Learning one more skill gives me one more path."
"Let's give it a try; the worst that can happen is an error."
"Stepping on a pit is also a kind of experience."

It's like a curious cat that wants to poke at anything new, perhaps discovering a new world.

Why is an Open Mindset the First Lesson?#

Imagine if you were a cup:

A fixed mindset is like a cup already filled with water; no new things can be poured in.
A growth mindset is like an empty cup, always ready to accept new knowledge.

In the workplace, technology updates faster than your phone's operating system. The technology you mastered today might become "traditional skills" tomorrow. If you don't maintain an open mindset:

You won't be able to learn new technologies
You won't be able to use new methods
You won't be able to seize new opportunities
You won't be able to see new developments

It's like that old saying: "SELECT * FROM world WHERE mindset = 'open'"—okay, I made that up, but you get my point.

How to Cultivate an Open Mindset?#

1. Embrace "Not Knowing"#

I remember when I first transitioned to being a programmer; I was particularly afraid of being discovered when I encountered something I didn't understand. Before asking questions, I would hold back for a long time, searching for a pile of information, fearing someone would say, "You don't even know this?"

Looking back now, it's like wanting to fart in public but holding it in, making yourself uncomfortable while trying to act nonchalant. In fact, admitting "I don't know" is not embarrassing at all; what's embarrassing is pretending to know when you don't (that's the easiest to expose), not learning when you don't understand (that's the quickest way to fall behind), and not asking when you don't know (that's the most time-consuming).

2. Learn to "Reset"#

Every so often, we need to "format" ourselves:

Clear existing biases
Reassess work methods
Consider whether there are better solutions

Just like our computers, we need to restart occasionally, clear the cache, and update the system. Otherwise, you might still be using Internet Explorer, insisting that it's the best choice.

3. Maintain Curiosity#

Curiosity is like our "skill points" that need constant investment:

When you see new technology, think "this is interesting."
When you encounter new methods, try asking "why."
When you come across new tools, ponder "how to use them."

I remember a colleague once said: "I'm not a genius, but I have a curious heart." Indeed, sometimes workplace progress relies on this "curiosity" spirit.

4. Establish a "Trial and Error" Mechanism#

Many people are afraid to try new things because they fear making mistakes. But think about it:

Isn't the testing environment meant for making mistakes?
Isn't code review meant to identify problems?
Isn't version control meant for regrets?

Treating "trial and error" as part of learning is normal, just like dying a few times in a game to familiarize yourself with the map.

Practical Suggestions for an Open Mindset#

1. Start Small#

Don't jump straight into the hardest challenges; you can:

Try a new IDE plugin today
Learn a new shortcut tomorrow
Experiment with a new debugging method the day after

Just like starting from the novice village in a game, take it step by step.

2. Find Learning Partners#

Form a study group with colleagues
Join a tech community
Follow the blogs of tech experts

Having a partner to learn with makes you feel less like you're fighting alone, and your partner can bring new perspectives and ideas, even serving as a form of supervision.

3. Establish a Feedback Loop#

Regularly summarize learning gains
Timely record encountered problems
Share your insights and experiences

Just like writing code requires unit tests, learning also needs timely feedback. This is very important because only feedback can let us know our learning effectiveness, whether our learning direction is correct, and motivate us to continue learning.

Conclusion#

An open mindset doesn't mean becoming a "grass that sways with the wind" without opinions; it means being an explorer willing to try, a seeker eager to learn, and an actor brave enough to change.

Just like an excellent program, it should have stable core logic and sufficient extensibility. Maintaining an open mindset gives your "program" enough interfaces, always ready to welcome new updates and upgrades.

After all, in this rapidly developing internet age, the only constant is change itself. Instead of resisting, embrace it. Let's embark on a new journey in the workplace with an open mindset!

2.3 Seeking Help is a High-Level Skill - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

Starting with an Awkward Story#

"Um... Old Wang, do you know how to solve this error?" "Have you Googled it yourself?" "Uh... not yet..." "......"

I believe every programmer has experienced this awkward moment: asking a colleague about a problem without doing any research first, only to be looked down upon. But there's also another situation:

"I've been debugging this bug for a week and still can't fix it..." "Why didn't you say so earlier? I just dealt with this issue last week!"

Does this sound familiar? Both situations indicate one problem: we don't know how to seek help, or rather, we don't know how to seek help correctly.

Why Are We Afraid to Seek Help?#

1. Face Issues#

"Will asking such a simple question make me look incompetent?"
"I've been working for so long; I shouldn't not know this, how embarrassing..."
"What if my colleagues look down on me..."
"Will my boss think I'm not capable..."

2. Misconceptions#

"I should solve my own problems."
"An excellent programmer should know everything."
"Asking others is a sign of incompetence."
"Independently solving problems is true skill."

3. Personality Factors#

Introverted and not good at communication
Not wanting to trouble others
Afraid of rejection
Social anxiety

Consequences of Not Seeking Help#

1. Time Costs#

A problem that an experienced colleague can solve in 5 minutes
You might spend a whole day figuring it out
Project progress gets delayed
Work efficiency drops significantly

2. Psychological Burden#

The more stuck you get, the more anxious you become
The more anxious you are, the more stuck you get
Confidence gets undermined
Work enthusiasm declines

3. Team Impact#

Experiences that could have been shared weren't
Pits that could have been avoided weren't
Team collaboration efficiency decreases
Repeatedly stepping into the same pits

When Should You Seek Help?#

1. When You Should Solve It Yourself#

Basic syntax issues
Simple configuration problems
Common error messages
Problems with clear error prompts

2. When You Should Seek Help#

You've tried multiple solutions without success
You've searched a lot of information without clues
You've been stuck for a long time without progress
It involves historical legacy issues
You need business-related context

How to Seek Help Correctly?#

1. Preparation Before Seeking Help#

Clearly describe the problem
Under what circumstances did it occur
What solutions have you tried
Where are you currently stuck
Prepare relevant information
Error logs
Environment information
Steps to reproduce
Relevant code snippets

2. Choose the Right Person#

Colleagues who understand this field
Seniors who have worked on similar projects
Friends with relevant experience
Experts from specific technical communities

3. Choose the Right Timing#

Don't ask when others are busiest
Don't ask right before quitting time
Don't ask when the other person is in a meeting
It's best to schedule a time in advance

The Art of Asking Questions#

1. Good Ways to Ask Questions#

"I'm encountering a problem while implementing the XX feature..."
"I've tried solutions A, B, and C, but none worked..."
"I think it might be due to XX; what do you think?"
"Could you help me see if this idea is correct?"

2. Bad Ways to Ask Questions#

"How do I do this?"
"Why doesn't my code work?"
"Can you check what's wrong?"
"How do I solve this bug?"

3. Things to Note When Asking Questions#

Be clear and specific
Be humble and sincere
Respect the other person's time
Remember to summarize and thank them

Establishing a Positive Cycle#

1. Record and Summarize Timely#

Record the solutions
Summarize the reasons for the problems
Organize related knowledge points
Share experiences with other colleagues

2. Actively Give Back to Others#

Help colleagues who encounter similar problems
Share your experiences and lessons
Participate in technical discussions and sharing
Contribute to the team's knowledge base

3. Build a Learning System#

Collect common problems
Organize solutions
Establish a knowledge system
Form experience accumulation

Final Words#

In the profession of programming, seeking help is not a sign of incompetence, nor is it an excuse to evade responsibility; it's a method to improve efficiency and a means to solve problems.

Just like code should emphasize reuse, experience can also be reused, knowledge can be shared, and growth can be mutual.

A programmer who knows how to seek help is truly a master. Not because they know everything, but because they know how to solve problems faster.

2.4 Afraid to Face Conflicts, How Can I Stand Up? - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"Old Wang, your code is really terrible!" "What? What's wrong with my code?" "Your variable naming, your code structure, can anyone understand this?" "I thought it was fine; as long as it runs..." "As long as it runs?! Do you know who will maintain it later?"

The atmosphere became quite awkward.

Many students have experienced the awkwardness of code reviews going wrong. But more often, our reactions are:

Silently clicking "Received" and continuing to slack off
Cursing the other party for being too serious in our hearts, but saying, "Okay, I'll fix it."
After fixing it, immediately arguing with the product: "This requirement was unreasonable from the start!"
Unable to argue in the work group, turning around and blocking the other party

To be honest, who hasn't started as a coward? When I first started working, I was quite timid. When the product manager changed requirements, I silently accepted it; when the tester pointed out bugs, I silently modified them; when the leader said we needed to work overtime, I silently worked overtime... Until one day, I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

Why Are We So Timid?#

Traditional Culture Teaches Us to Be "Nice People"#

From a young age, we have been educated to "value harmony." Starting from elementary school:

"You should get along well with your classmates."
"Just endure it, and it will be fine."
"Suffering is a blessing"—these phrases have become so familiar.

In the workplace, this mindset is even stronger:

"We're all colleagues."
"Harmony brings wealth."
"It's better to avoid trouble."

As a result? A bunch of "nice people" in the workplace.

Fear of Offending Others#

We can't really blame ourselves for being timid; it's simply that:

Offending the testers means your bugs won't pass.
Offending the product means the next requirement will make you question life.
Offending the leader puts your performance at risk.
Offending colleagues means code reviews will nitpick you until dawn.

What's worse is that nowadays, teamwork is emphasized. Offending one person might offend a whole group. Who doesn't want to make a living?

Insufficient Technical Confidence#

To be honest, many times we don't dare to confront because:

The code really isn't good enough
The technical depth really isn't sufficient
The plan really has loopholes
The experience really is lacking

It's quite awkward; you know the other party is not entirely right, but you can't articulate why.

Being Timid Can Lead to Problems#

Technical Debt Accumulates#

Today, you compromised and used a bad solution
Tomorrow, you settled for writing bad code
The day after tomorrow, you settled for changing a bad requirement What happens in the end? The entire project becomes a mess.

I once encountered a "temporary solution" that lasted for two years, and when it came time to refactor, I didn't even dare to touch it, fearing the entire system would collapse.

The Blame Game#

The tester says there's a bug, and you silently fix it
The product says to change the requirement, and you silently fix it
The operations say to add a feature, and you silently fix it
The leader says to optimize, and you silently fix it

And what happens? If anything goes wrong: "Who modified this code?" "Oh, it was Xiao Wang; he always modifies it..."

Becoming Invisible in the Workplace#

Over time:

You don't dare to speak up in technical discussions
You don't dare to oppose in plan reviews
You don't dare to voice your ideas
You don't dare to make suggestions

In the end, you become an invisible person in the team, with only your daily clock-ins remaining.

Conflicts Aren't That Scary#

Workplace Conflicts Are Normal#

Just like writing code:

Different people have different coding styles
Different teams have different tech stacks
Different projects have different requirements

Having disagreements is normal; not having disagreements is abnormal.

Treat Conflicts as Opportunities#

Being criticized in a code review is an opportunity to improve code quality
Being questioned on a plan is an opportunity to refine the design
Having differing opinions is an opportunity for brainstorming
Having disagreements on requirements is an opportunity to understand the business better

How to Stand Firm?#

First, Improve Your Technical Skills#

In simple terms, lack of confidence comes from lack of strength.

Learn to:

Think about why you're writing code before you write it
Consider what pitfalls exist before accepting requirements
Research how peers are doing things before making plans
Take time to read source code; don't just focus on CRUD

Learn to Express Yourself Clearly#

My previous way of expressing myself was: "This... might... have some problems..."

Now I express myself like this: "I see three issues with this plan: 1. There may be performance bottlenecks 2. The scalability isn't great 3. The maintenance cost will be high. I suggest we..."

Turn Confrontation into Collaboration#

Instead of confronting:

"Your requirements change too frequently!"
"Your code is really terrible!"
"Your testing is too detailed!"

It's better to say:

"Why don't we first clarify the core requirements?"
"Let's see how we can optimize the code together?"
"Can we prioritize the test cases?"

Final Thoughts#

Workplace conflicts are like bugs in code; encountering them is normal, solving them is crucial, avoiding them is not an option, and addressing them promptly is necessary.

The important thing is not to avoid conflicts but to learn how to handle them.

Remember:

It's better to speak up than to bottle it up
It's better to lay the issues on the table than to struggle in silence
It's better to discuss differences face-to-face than to complain behind backs

In the end, I wish everyone could become a "tough guy" in the workplace, no longer afraid of conflicts.

2.5 How to Face Workplace PUA - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"Xiao Wang, look at Zhang from the next team; he works overtime on weekends..." "With this little code, how long do you plan to take?" "At your age, I was already a senior engineer..." "Not working overtime? Don't you feel a sense of belonging to the company?"

Does this sound familiar? This isn't ordinary lecturing; it's blatant workplace PUA.

What is Workplace PUA?#

In simple terms, it's using various "seemingly reasonable" ways to undermine your confidence and control your behavior.

Common PUA Phrases#

Product Manager Version:

"Other developers say this requirement is very simple."
"It's just a small change; why is it taking so long?"
"Look at someone; they never say they can't do it."

Technical Leader Version:

"How could you make such a simple bug?"
"How did you pass the interview with code like this?"
"It seems your coding skills haven't improved much."

HR Version:

"Look at Li from the same cohort; he got promoted."
"With your performance, how much do you think your year-end bonus will be?"
"The job market is tough now; you should cherish this opportunity."

Why Are We Subject to PUA?#

1. Low Status#

Just graduated with no experience
Insufficient technical depth
Limited qualifications
No voice in discussions

It's like when I first started working; I was criticized ten times for changing a line of code and had to revise a requirement eight hundred times, always being told, "You don't know this?"

2. Not Understanding the Tactics#

Thinking that working harder will lead to success
Believing that enduring will ensure safety
Assuming that effort will yield returns
Thinking that being honest will prevent being bullied

What happens? The more honest you are, the more you get bullied; the more you endure, the more they take advantage.

3. Fear of Resistance#

"What if I offend the leader?"
"Will I be treated unfairly by HR?"
"It's not easy to find a job now..."
"Maybe I should just endure..."

What Are the Serious Consequences of PUA?#

1. Physical and Mental Exhaustion#

No passion for work
Poor sleep quality
Anxiety at work
Feeling nauseous at the sight of certain people

2. Career Development Obstacles#

Confidence gets shattered
Creativity gets suppressed
Initiative gets worn down
Growth opportunities get limited

3. Increasingly Competitive Environment#

Today:

"Let's work overtime this weekend." Tomorrow:
"Let's do more this month." The day after tomorrow:
"Look at others..."

How to Deal with Workplace PUA?#

1. Open Your Eyes and Identify PUA#

Normal criticism:

"This code can be optimized; let's take a look together."
"This bug should be noted for next time; I'll teach you how to troubleshoot."
"The recent progress is a bit slow; are you facing any difficulties?"

PUA-style criticism:

"You can't even write such simple code?"
"You make such basic bugs; what were you thinking?"
"With your efficiency, how can you be a programmer?"

2. Build Self-Protection#

Record your work content
What you did each day
What problems you solved
What value you contributed
Keep evidence
Save chat records
Keep email correspondence
Document key meeting content
Set boundaries
Work hours should have limits
Overtime should be compensated
Responsibilities should have boundaries

3. Learn to Respond Positively#

PUA: "How can it take you so long to do such a simple requirement?" Response:

"This requirement involves changes to modules A, B, and C; I estimate it will take three days."
"I've completed 70% of this; what areas do you think we can speed up?"
"If you think it’s taking too long, we can look at what can be optimized together."

PUA: "Look at Zhang; he works overtime on weekends..." Response:

"I focus on efficiency; I plan my work in advance."
"My workload and output meet the requirements; is there a problem?"
"Are we evaluating based on output or overtime hours?"

4. Prepare an Exit Strategy#

Keep your skills updated
Expand your network
Pay attention to market opportunities

Special Reminders#

1. Don't Expect PUAs to Change#

They won't change because PUA is an effective management tool for them; they might have been subjected to PUA themselves and think it's acceptable.

2. Protect Yourself#

Your health is the most important; prioritize your mental well-being, plan your career development, and leave when it's time to go.

3. Be Wary of Becoming a PUA Yourself#

Don't adopt this approach when you become a leader
Persuade newcomers with reason
Evaluate code based on the matter at hand
Communicate at work with logic

Final reminders:

Work is just a job
A company is just a company
A leader is just a leader
Your life shouldn't be ruined by PUA

Workplace PUA is like a dead loop in code: if you discover it early, you can jump out in time; if you discover it late, the entire system might collapse.

2.8 Feeling Burned Out at Work? Try the Clover Model - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"I'm so tired of work lately; it feels like a funeral..." "It's not just physical fatigue; I just can't muster any energy." "Every day I just want to slack off; I have no interest in work."

If you feel this way, consider using the Clover Model to diagnose yourself.

What is the Clover Model?#

The Clover Model is a career planning model that divides work motivation into three leaves:

Interest Leaf: The level of passion and love for work
Ability Leaf: The skills and talents to solve problems
Value Leaf: The rewards and meaning derived from work

These three leaves influence each other and are all essential:

Having interest enhances learning ability
Having ability creates more value
Having value sustains interest

Three Types of Burnout#

1. Boredom Type (Interest Leaf Wilting)#

Symptoms:

Looking forward to getting off work every day
Getting annoyed at the sight of code
Feeling unmotivated about everything
Working is solely about completing tasks

As one of my colleagues said: "I used to get excited seeing new technologies; now I feel overwhelmed when I see new frameworks." "I remember when I first started working, I would still write code on weekends; now I don't even want to open the IDE."

2. Anxiety Type (Ability Leaf Insufficient)#

Symptoms:

Always feeling like you're falling behind
Afraid of receiving new requirements
Unable to understand colleagues' code
Feeling restless during technical sharing

A typical scenario: "The product manager says this is simple, but I’ve been looking at it for half a day and have no clue..." "The colleague can finish a feature in two days, but it takes me a week..."

3. Disappointment Type (Value Leaf Lacking)#

Symptoms:

Efforts yield no returns
Hard work goes unrecognized
Seeing no career development
Feeling like a tool

Common complaints: "I optimized the entire system's performance, and the boss said, 'Isn't that expected?'" "The plan I finished after working overtime was dismissed the next day with 'the requirements have changed.'"

How to Cure Burnout?#

1. Treatment Plan for the Boredom Type#

Step One: Reconnect with the Source of Interest - Recall why you chose programming - List the technical points that once excited you - Think about the projects that gave you the most sense of achievement

Step Two: Reignite Interest - Try a side project that interests you - Research new technologies or open-source projects - Collaborate with like-minded colleagues on something

Step Three: Transform Interest - Gamify tedious work - Set small goals in daily tasks - Challenge yourself with technical challenges

2. Treatment Plan for the Anxiety Type#

Step One: Confront the Skills Gap - List specific skill shortcomings - Set reasonable learning goals - Create an actionable plan

Step Two: Systematic Improvement - Dedicate fixed time daily for learning - Participate in challenging projects - Seek guidance and learn from experts

Step Three: Leverage Strengths - Focus on areas where you excel - Master your existing skills - Find a position that suits you

3. Treatment Plan for the Disappointment Type#

Step One: Redefine Value - Don't just look at external rewards - Focus on personal growth - Seek other meanings in work

Step Two: Create Value - Proactively take on important tasks - Address team pain points - Increase the visibility of your work

Step Three: Find the Right Platform - Choose a team that suits you better - Find a leader who appreciates you - Seek an environment with aligned values

Special Reminders#

The three leaves influence each other; rekindling interest will naturally enhance ability, improving ability will reveal value, and gaining value will deepen interest.
Healing burnout takes time; don't expect immediate results. Give yourself a buffer period, and maintain patience and confidence.
Remember, the choice is yours; you can switch teams, change directions, or seek new opportunities.

Just like debugging code: first identify the problem (which leaf is malfunctioning), then analyze the cause (why is this happening), and finally solve the issue (treat it appropriately).

As programmers, we are so dedicated to fixing bugs; we should be just as serious about addressing our burnout.

2.10 How to Make Choices in the Workplace - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"Should I change jobs?" "Should I switch to management?" "Should I take on this project?" "Should I join a startup?"

The workplace is a continuous process of making choices. But often, we get tangled up like debugging a random bug.

Daily Life of a Choice-Conflicted Person#

1. Job Change Dilemma#

The current company, while not perfect, is stable
The new company offers more, but who knows how many pitfalls there are
The current colleagues have a good relationship; changing environments means starting over
Maybe... I should wait a bit longer?

2. Direction Dilemma#

Should I continue in tech or switch to management?
Should I specialize in one direction or develop broadly?
Is it better to switch from Java to Go or Python?
Maybe... I should learn them all?

3. Project Choice Dilemma#

The old project is familiar, even if it's bad
The new project is good, but risky
This one is challenging, but it might be exhausting
Maybe... I'll just go with whatever?

Why Are Choices So Difficult?#

1. Information Asymmetry#

The new company looks great, but what's the reality?
The new technology is trending, but will it be a flash in the pan?
The new project seems cool, but how deep are the pitfalls?

It's like buying a house: it looks well-decorated, but you never know if the neighbors will play music at midnight.

2. Uncertain Outcomes#

Changing jobs might lead to promotions and raises, or it might be full of obstacles
Switching to management might lead to smooth sailing or dissatisfaction from both sides
Taking on a new project might lead to great success or a complete failure

3. Opportunity Cost#

Choosing A means giving up B
Choosing this means missing out on that
If you don't choose now, you might not have the chance later

Two Practical Decision-Making Approaches#

1. "Hell Yeah" or "No"#

When faced with a choice, ask yourself: "Does this opportunity excite me enough to want to shout 'Hell Yeah!'?"

If your answer is: "It's okay," "Not bad," "Pretty good," or "Worth considering," then sorry, none of these are "Hell Yeah!" so it should be "No."

2. Future Story Principle#

Ask yourself: "Will this be a story worth sharing happily at a dinner party?"

A good story looks like:

"I led the team to restructure the entire system architecture..."
"We improved performance tenfold in a month..."
"I built the company's AI team from scratch..."

A boring story looks like:

"I just hung around for three years, clocking in and out..."
"Work is okay, salary is decent..."
"It’s just like that; what else can I say?"

How to Use These Two Approaches to Make Choices?#

1. Job Change Decisions#

Don't ask:

How much higher is the salary at the new company?
Are the benefits good at the new company?
Is the new company well-known?

Ask:

Am I excited about going to this company?
Will this job give me a good story to tell?
Three years from now, will I be proud of this choice?

2. Technical Direction#

Don't ask:

Is this technology trending?
Is this direction profitable?
Is the learning curve steep?

Ask:

Does this technology get my blood pumping?
Will this direction give me a sense of achievement?
Will this be a highlight in my career?

3. Project Choices#

Don't ask:

Is this project simple?
Does this project have risks?
Can this project be completed on time?

Ask:

Is this project challenging enough?
Will this project help me grow?
Is this project worth my investment?

Special Reminders#

1. "Hell Yeah" is Not Blind Optimism#

It doesn't mean ignoring risks or reality; it means genuine excitement after thorough evaluation.

2. "Good Story" is Not Bragging#

It's not about pursuing superficial glamour or showing off; it's about real growth and gains.

3. Can't Find a "Hell Yeah" Choice?#

It might be that you need to broaden your horizons, improve your skills, or adjust your direction.

Final Thoughts#

Workplace choices are like writing code: don't just look at the surface requirements, don't just focus on immediate implementations, consider long-term maintainability, and think about future extensibility.

In the end: Your career is a collection of choices that form a story, either exciting enough to shout "Hell Yeah!" or simply not worth writing down.

3.1 What to Talk About in One-on-One Meetings with Your Leader - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"Next week is my one-on-one, and I don't know what to talk about..." "Every time it's the leader asking, and I'm just answering; it feels so passive." "One-on-ones are so awkward, like a blind date..."

Many people have this concern. In fact, one-on-ones are a rare opportunity; it just depends on whether you know how to use it.

Why Should You Value One-on-Ones?#

1. This is Your Exclusive Time#

It's not a daily morning meeting
It's not a project weekly meeting
It's not a performance review
It's 30 minutes that belong to you

2. This is an Opportunity for Two-Way Communication#

It's not a lecture from the leader
It's not a work report
It's not a passive Q&A
It's an equal dialogue

3. This is a Moment to Build Trust#

It's not superficial politeness
It's not just going through the motions
It's not mutual suspicion
It's genuine communication

What to Talk About?#

1. Work Progress#

Don't just say: "The project is going according to plan..." "There are no special issues..."

Say:

What challenges you've encountered
How you solved them
What you've learned
What support you still need

2. Personal Growth#

Proactively share:

What you're currently learning
What bottlenecks you're facing
What confusions you have
Which direction you want to develop in the future

3. Team Building#

You can discuss:

How the team atmosphere is
How collaboration with colleagues is going
Any suggestions for processes
What the team is still lacking

4. Thoughts on the Company#

You can talk about:

Your understanding of the company's strategy
Suggestions for the product
Ideas for process improvements
Suggestions for team development

How to Talk?#

1. Preparation Before the Meeting#

Make an outline
Record key points
Prepare specific examples
Think about your requests

For example: "I'm currently working on performance optimization and have encountered a few difficulties; I'd like to discuss them with you..." "I'm a bit confused about my future career development and would like to hear your advice..."

2. Techniques During the Meeting#

Start with the important points
Use data to support your statements
Offer constructive suggestions
Pay attention to feedback

3. Follow-Up After the Meeting#

Record key points
Implement action items
Follow up on solutions
Report progress next time

Common Scenarios#

1. When Encountering Difficulties#

Don't say: "This problem is too difficult; I can't solve it..."

Say: "I'm encountering this problem and have tried these solutions, but the results weren't ideal; I'd like to hear your suggestions..."

2. When You Have Ideas or Suggestions#

Don't say: "I think our team should do this and that..."

Say: "I've observed this issue, and the possible reasons might be... I suggest we could... What do you think of this idea?"

3. When Discussing Growth Plans#

Don't say: "I want to develop into a senior engineer..."

Say: "Based on the team's needs and my personal interests, I want to delve into system architecture and am currently learning relevant knowledge; I hope to get some practical opportunities..."

Things to Note#

1. Be Sincere, Don't Complain#

Focus on solutions
Avoid grumbling
Maintain a constructive attitude
Keep a positive mindset

2. Be Specific, Not Vague#

Provide many examples
Avoid empty talk
Support with data
Focus on results

3. Be Proactive, Not Passive#

Prepare topics in advance
Actively share your thoughts
Seek effective feedback
Follow up on actions in a timely manner

Special Reminders About One-on-Ones#

1. It's Not a Complaining Session#

Don't just complain, don't spread negative energy, and don't speak ill of colleagues; maintain professionalism.

2. It's Not a Performance Time#

Don't overly package your words, don't avoid the main issues, and don't exaggerate achievements; stay sincere.

3. It's Not a One-Way Report#

Don't just report achievements, don't just update progress, and don't just answer without asking; it should be an interactive exchange.

Final Suggestions#

Treat one-on-ones as: an opportunity for self-improvement, a channel to build trust, a platform to solve problems, and a booster for career development.

A good one-on-one is not about the length of time but the quality of communication; it's not about how much you said but what was resolved.

3.4 Colleagues are Idiots, and I Have a Low Tolerance for Stupidity; I Can't Take It Anymore - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"How can he take three days to fix such a simple bug?" "I've explained this requirement eight hundred times; how can he still not understand?" "Oh my god, is this code written by a human?"

If you often find yourself complaining like this, congratulations, you might also be a "low tolerance for stupidity" patient. At this moment, it's a test of your ability to be "backward compatible."

First, Calm Down#

1. Everyone is Someone Else's "Fool"#

Product managers think programmers don't understand requirements
Programmers think testers don't understand development
Testers think operations don't understand testing
Operations think everyone else doesn't understand operations (something seems off...)

2. "Smart" is a Relative Concept#

You think he's dumb,
Others might think you're even dumber
Just like your code,
It might be criticized by others in the group (just thinking about it makes me a bit nervous)

3. Everyone Has Their Strengths#

He may write code slowly, but he has fewer bugs
He may understand requirements slowly, but he is stable
He may have average skills, but he has good relationships
He may not be very smart, but he works hard (maybe it's not that bad?)

How to Cope?#

1. Change Your Perspective#

Maybe he's a newbie
Maybe he's transitioning careers
Maybe he's learning
Maybe he has special difficulties (who hasn't been a newbie at some point?)

2. Adjust Your Mindset#

Instead of getting angry, help him
Instead of complaining, guide him
Instead of being disdainful, be tolerant
Instead of avoiding, communicate (that seems reasonable)

3. Specific Actions#

Write detailed documentation
Draw clear flowcharts
Provide patient explanations
Give specific examples (I feel more professional now)

Special Reminders#

1. Avoid Personal Attacks#

Don't say "Why are you so dumb?"
Don't say "You don't understand this?"
Don't say "Who hired you?"
Don't say "Is there something wrong with your brain?" (Saying this makes you look worse)

2. Avoid Overly Taking Charge#

Not everyone needs you to save them
Not everything needs your management
Give them space to grow
Give yourself a chance to breathe (killing yourself is not worth it)

3. Let Go When Necessary#

If communication really fails:

Provide feedback to the leader
Adjust the division of labor
Change the collaboration method
If it really doesn't work, switch teams (cut losses in time is important)

Final Words#

In fact, so-called "low tolerance for stupidity" often stems from our misunderstanding of others and our overconfidence in ourselves.

Remember: everyone grows at their own pace, and your tolerance for others is also a kindness to yourself.

(Oh, it seems that "that idiot" colleague has made quite a bit of progress recently...)

PS: If you really want to "kill" him, I suggest: 1. Use patience to "kill" his ignorance 2. Use help to "kill" his confusion 3. Use professionalism to "kill" his chaos 4. If all else fails, "kill" your own prejudice.

4.1 A Good Partner Can Help You Digest Negative Work Emotions - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"Let's not talk about work today!" "Forget about company matters when you get home!" "Don't bring work home!"

These phrases sound reasonable, but are they really appropriate?

1. Repression Doesn't Equal Resolution#

Emotions are like balloons; if you hold them in too long, they will eventually burst.

Deliberately avoiding them only increases pressure
Negative emotions can accumulate in the subconscious
This can lead to more serious psychological issues
It affects the quality of work and life
Negative emotions need appropriate release
Find suitable outlets for expression
Choose the right way to express
Maintain healthy emotional flow
Partners are the best sounding boards
They understand your life situation best
They easily resonate emotionally
They are most willing to listen to your heart

2. The Unique Value of Partners#

Why are partners more suitable for sharing than close friends or buddies?

They understand your personality traits better
They know your way of handling things
They comprehend your emotional changes
They know how to comfort you
A deeper emotional connection
Shared life goals
Mutual responsibility
Long-term emotional investment
A safer environment for sharing
No worries about information leaks
No concerns about face issues
You can fully show your vulnerability

1. Choose the Right Timing#

Timing is more important than content.

Don't share during these moments:
When you just got home and are tired
When your partner is under work pressure
When you're enjoying a meal
When preparing to rest or sleep
Recommended sharing times:
Evening walks after dinner
Weekend coffee time in the morning
Relaxed moments during holiday outings
Situations where both have the energy to listen

Attitude determines the effect.

Choice of tone
Calm and not agitated
Rational and not emotional
Discussing rather than complaining
Sharing rather than venting
Control of content
Highlight key points
Be clear and organized
Know when to stop
Interaction techniques
Pay attention to your partner's reactions
Give your partner a chance to express
Accept differing viewpoints
Thank your partner for listening

📝 How to Start the Work Topic?#

1. Choose Appropriate Openings#

🔴 Inappropriate Ways:

"That product manager made another mistake today!"
"Our boss is really too much!"
"I'm fed up with this job!"
"Do you know what happened today? It made me so mad!"

✅ Recommended Ways:

"Dear, can I share what happened today with you?"
"I'm a bit confused about work lately; I'd like to hear your thoughts."
"Have you encountered similar situations at work?"
"Can I share a little story from work with you?"

2. Communication Phrases for Different Scenarios#

When facing work setbacks: "I encountered a bit of difficulty on the project today; can I share it with you? I want to clarify my thoughts."

When dealing with workplace pressure: "I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed with work lately; can we take a walk and chat? I feel much better talking to you."

When experiencing workplace conflicts: "I encountered a situation that's bothering me; I'd like to hear your perspective. Have you faced anything similar at work?"

After dinner: "I encountered something interesting today; can we chat while walking?"
Weekend morning: "Let's have a cup of coffee; I want to share a little story."
During a break: "Can I borrow a few minutes of your time to help me with a question?"

Establish a routine for communication
Create dedicated sharing scenarios
Maintain an appropriate sharing frequency
Pay attention to the quality of interaction

2. Healthy Interaction Patterns#

Two-way information flow
Equal dialogue relationship
Positive feedback mechanisms
Continuous emotional investment

3. Positive Growth Cycle#

Mutual progress
Support for each other
Value recognition
Strengthening the relationship

❗️ Special Reminders#

1. Maintain a Sense of Boundaries#

Sharing doesn't mean revealing everything.

Be cautious about protecting company secrets
Avoid discussing specific business data
Don't disclose trade secrets
Avoid mentioning specific names
Focus on emotions rather than details
Control the amount of sharing
Don't turn it into a complaining session
Don't dwell in negative energy
Don't expect your partner to solve all problems
Maintain a moderate amount of sharing

2. Focus on Positive Feedback#

Don't just share difficulties; share joys as well.

Share achievements at work
Joy from completing projects
Satisfaction from skill improvements
Pride from colleague recognition
Satisfaction from work progress
Discuss career development
Share career plans
Explore development directions
Envision a bright future
Plan life together

🎯 Final Words#

Remember:

A good partner relationship is not just about living together physically but about mutual understanding and support on a spiritual level.

Work is an important part of life, not a secret that needs to be hidden. Appropriate sharing can not only help digest negative emotions but also enhance mutual understanding and trust.

Sharing the ups and downs of work is also a catalyst for warming the relationship. In mutual understanding and support, both individuals can grow.

(Today, the product manager changed the requirements again; I need to vent to my partner when I get home... I mean, "discuss rationally" a bit~)

PS: For those still without partners:

Finding a good partner is really important
Not just because you need someone to share the mortgage
But because you need someone who understands you
To hand you a cup of warm water when you're tired
And say, "Come on, tell me about it."

4.2 The Most Important Thing in Maintaining an Intimate Relationship - Self-consistent Programmer's Thoughts on the Programmer's Workplace and Life

"Why can't you be like him/her..." "If only you could change this habit..." "When will you understand my feelings..."

Wait a minute, the most important thing in maintaining an intimate relationship is not passionate love, not endless giving, but—accepting the other person as they are.

🤔 Why Acceptance?#

1. Love is as You Are, Not as I Wish#

True love is not about changing the other person into what you want.

Acceptance means:
Allowing the other person to remain authentic
Respecting individual differences
Providing space for growth
Embracing imperfections
Forcing change often leads to:
Suppressing the true self
Creating resistance
Accumulating negative feelings
Growing distant in the relationship

2. The Key to a Stable Relationship#

Long-lasting relationships are built on mutual understanding and tolerance.

✅ Characteristics of a Healthy Relationship:

Rarely attacking
Rarely confronting
Rarely forcing the other
Lots of understanding and acceptance

🔴 Characteristics of an Unhealthy Relationship:

Frequent criticism and blame
Continuous arguments and confrontations
Attempting to change the other
Excessive expectations and demands

💡 How to Achieve True Acceptance?#

1. Allow Imperfections#

Perfect relationships do not exist, but happy relationships do.

Accept the other person's small flaws:
Occasional forgetfulness
Certain small habits
Personality traits
Ways of handling things
Understand this principle:
There are no perfect people
Differences create uniqueness
Imperfections are real
Tolerance creates harmony

2. Provide Space for Growth#

Love is about supporting, not binding.

✅ This is how it should be:

Support the other person's interests and hobbies
Understand their career choices
Respect their social circles
Give space for independent thinking

🔴 Avoid this:

Overly intervening in their life
Forcing changes to their habits
Restricting their social interactions
Expecting them to comply with everything

⭐️ Specific Action Guidelines#

1. Acceptance in Daily Interactions#

Start with small things, reflecting in details.

✅ Do this:

"If you like it, that's good; I support you."
"That's your choice; I understand."
"Let me know if you need help."
"It's great that you have your own ideas."

🔴 Avoid saying:

"Why are you always like this..."
"When will you change..."
"You must listen to me..."
"If only you could be like so-and-so..."

2. Attitude When Facing Disagreements#

Differences don't mean wrong; understanding is better than changing.

✅ Constructive Responses:

"We have different thoughts; that's normal."
"Let me try to understand your viewpoint."
"Maybe we can each keep our opinions."
"What's important is mutual respect."

❗️ Special Reminders#

1. Boundaries of Acceptance#

It doesn't mean condoning harmful behavior
It doesn't mean tolerating principle issues
It doesn't mean ignoring significant differences
It doesn't mean sacrificing self-worth

2. Situations to Be Wary Of#

One-sided giving
Excessive tolerance
Principle-based concessions
Conflicts in values

🎯 Final Words#

Stable relationships are not about how passionately you love but about how much you hurt each other.

True love is about letting the other person be themselves, not changing them into what you want.

Every act of tolerance adds points to the relationship. Every act of acceptance warms the bond.

(Oh, I should go play games with my partner... even though I don't understand much, it still looks fun~)

PS: For those currently in a relationship:

Love is not about changing the other
But about appreciating differences
Embracing imperfections
Granting freedom
Trusting time.