Difficult to be single, a reference for dating

Bringing practical and interesting love enlightenment guides. Many "single nobles" go to great lengths to get rid of their single status and find a partner. Generally speaking, there are two main approaches: one is called "pursuing," and the other is called "entrapment."

What does pursuing mean? It means that boys think they need to relentlessly pursue girls with sweet talk, treating them to dinner today and buying them a nice lipstick tomorrow; while girls, when interacting with boys, should be gentle and sweet, romantic, cook for him, and care about his career. Indeed, these scenarios can create small moments of happiness, but love is not instant noodles, and relying solely on pursuing won't lead to success. Today's love is not about going on a pilgrimage to the West, where sincerity alone can break through stone.

As for "entrapment," it takes another extreme, like the popular love strategies today—either pretending, flirting, or playing hard to get. When love lacks a foundation of sincerity, it turns into a struggle between pushing and being pushed. Genuine feelings are scarce, while manipulative tactics abound.

In fact, both concepts are flawed; one clings to the past, while the other has distorted values.

A truly reliable and serious relationship often combines three elements: genuine feelings, commitment, and a sense of responsibility, along with high-quality communication.

The girl is sincere, has no bad habits, comes from a financially stable family, and the young man is particularly ambitious, making him a son-in-law that any grandmother would approve of. However, my friend is too "boring" and only focuses on being good to the girl without much communication or expression.

He firmly believes that "actions speak louder than words; no matter how pretty the words are, they are useless. If I'm so good to you, you should cherish me as long as you're not foolish." But the girl doesn't think so—she's a living person, not a smart speaker; how will they live together in the future? Where will their common language come from? Where will they find joy in life? Life is not just about basic necessities; humans are social animals, and emotional connection and communication are essential. My friend has the conditions to win over his future mother-in-law but lacks the ability to win over his girlfriend—how unfortunate!

So you see, this third point, "high-quality communication," is both a scarce resource for those who want to date today and an efficient tool that can be used directly. This is also the main content of our series of courses.

Some might say, isn't this just commonly known as PUA?

I think not. The core of PUA lies in control, leading to a full sense of manipulation, and even having ethical flaws, which is why PUA is often criticized. In contrast, the essence of high-quality communication is to allow both parties to comfortably and efficiently reach a consensus about their relationship.

Through communication, you can quickly identify your dating options, better showcase your dating advantages, lead both parties into a happy chatting mode, and even quickly find a sense of mutual understanding. Throughout the process, you are both sincere and happy, giving love a healthy start. Of course, you may encounter situations where you realize you don't like each other that much, and the other person seems genuinely uninterested in you—then just don't date, everyone is an adult, why waste time? To put it another way, this also saves time costs, opportunity costs, and potential sunk costs, which is a good thing.

How to happily and efficiently find your own relationship? This is the problem we aim to solve with eighteen lessons. After looking at the syllabus, you'll find that from identifying potential candidates to finally breaking the ice with a confession, the methods involve a lot, but the core is quite fixed: it's about the management techniques of relationships, teaching you how to manage the early stages of love.

The first type of problem is self-awareness. Before engaging in a relationship, it's necessary to recognize oneself. This has two meanings: one is the intelligence aspect of "know yourself and know your enemy, and you will never be defeated," and the other is the preparedness aspect of "to forge iron, one must be strong." Before diving into love, we must first understand our strengths, weaknesses, where we need to adjust more, and where we need to express ourselves more.

The second type of problem is how to identify reliable dating partners in the vast sea of people. With nearly 1.4 billion people in China, even if we split it in half, there are still 700 million men and 700 million women. Finding a partner in such a large potential crowd, don't expect to find "the most suitable other half" right away; avoiding rotten peaches is already not easy. Cultivating the ability to spot reliable partners is also a core competency.

The third type of problem is how to cultivate feelings with that special someone through harmonious communication, gradually deepening the relationship. The issue of "awkward conversations" has become increasingly common, and even "talking properly" has become a scarce skill. You might have encountered situations where two seemingly suitable people chat and then run out of things to say. The spark of love is precious, and maintaining that spark requires care. Fire needs fuel and oxygen; love needs emotional depth and communication skills.

As for the fourth type of problem, it's about how to make the final push and successfully confess—although this year we celebrated Singles' Day, next year it will be Valentine's Day. The last stretch is crucial; it directly affects whether you can achieve your desired outcome. Confessing is akin to a graduation defense, a final job interview, or the third driving test; it may be brief, but it deserves attention.

When combined, these problems essentially address one thing: how to properly manage the budding of your love.

Good love, like a good business, relies on "management." Starting a relationship from scratch is not much different from starting a business from nothing—what does management rely on?

Management relies on capital. Investment of time, money, emotions, and energy are all forms of capital. My course is designed to help you manage these capitals well.

So what cards do you hold? There are four types.

The first type of capital is called external capital of the individual. Your education, appearance, income, etc., all fall into this category.

The second type of capital is called internal capital of the individual. What is your temperament? What is your aesthetic taste? Are your values quirky? These are all second-type capitals.

At the same time, dating is a two-person affair; one person cannot date alone, so the other two types of capital involve "interaction." The third type of capital is called external capital of the partner, referring to the shared experiences between you and them.

The fourth type of capital is the internal capital of the partner, referring to whether you share compatible values, whether there is a foundation for "mutual understanding," and whether there is similarity and familiarity cultivated through long-term interaction.

The methodology for operating these four types of capital is the main body of our entire course.

Many people struggle to understand dating; either they feel there is no one to pursue, or every blind date ends in failure, or they cannot cultivate and develop long-term love with others. In short, it all boils down to poor capital management. They don't realize that besides the first type of hard capital, there are three other types of soft capital that need to be managed.

Finally, let me ramble on a bit. While organizing and preparing the course content, I have always adhered to this value: what you need is a reliable partner, not a grand love. Here, grand love refers to the kind of passionate, romantic love depicted in novels and TV dramas, but you must understand that if you date like in a TV show, you'll either drive the other person away or drive yourself crazy. So, ultimately, what should people do today to achieve beautiful love?

I think it still relies on playing the cards you have well. Some people can play well even with bad cards, while others have good cards but play poorly. For many people who are eager to get out of singlehood, the ability to play with capital is actually more important than how much capital you have. I hope this perspective can resonate with you.

Let's start the journey to finding a partner!

The Key to Making Women Fall for You: Trust#

When women look for partners, what is the first thing they care about? Six-pack abs? Six-figure bank balance? A tall, handsome prince? None of these. What they find most important is trust. That's right, trust. Before you start to consider yourself a trustworthy partner and want to put this book down, please think twice. Whether someone is trustworthy has nothing to do with whether you are a playboy, whether you are in a long-term relationship, or whether you have been unfaithful. Although these factors are also important for trustworthiness, they are far from sufficient.

In the process of dating, behaviors that can make women feel you are trustworthy include: keeping your promises, being consistent in words and actions, being reliable, having a sense of responsibility, and being able to honestly present yourself. Of course, on the surface, you should also dress neatly and cleanly. Why is trust so important? Why is trust the key to making every woman fall for you? From an evolutionary perspective, whether a male partner is trustworthy actually determines whether a woman and her children can grow up safely and healthily.

Common Complaints from Women#

In the Love Lab, we have discovered the two most common complaints women have about men. The first complaint is: "He never helps me in a timely manner when I have difficulties or needs." The second complaint is: "We are not close enough; we haven't established a sufficient connection." Even if these women are in a relationship, they can still feel very lonely. There are many other related complaints. If a man cannot provide help and support when a woman needs it, she cannot trust him. Most of the time, this help and support is emotional. Women hope men can listen, understand, and protect their hearts.

Conversely, men also have two common complaints about women: "We argue too much and have too little sex." Does this sound familiar? Men can also feel lonely in a relationship. We find that men also desire more intimacy. However, they only feel close when there are fewer arguments and more sex.

On the surface, the complaints of men and women seem different. In reality, these complaints are interconnected and can be resolved through a simple technique called emotional attunement. When men and women’s emotions are in sync, arguments decrease, quality sex becomes more frequent, and both parties no longer feel lonely. Emotional attunement can also help both parties establish a genuine emotional connection and increase trust levels between them. Thus, the first requirement women have for men, which is to be trustworthy, is met. In summary, emotional attunement is an incredible technique.

In the Love Lab, we ask both men and women if they can confide in their partners when they feel sad, angry, or have emotional needs. We find that many arguments between partners occur because men tend to eliminate emotions rather than attune to them. If a man tries to fix a woman's emotions, distract her, or downplay her feelings, or even mocks or ignores her words, he is eliminating emotions. Learning some simple and basic emotional attunement techniques can significantly improve relationships between the sexes. These techniques can also help improve men's work relationships, parent-child relationships, and other interpersonal relationships. We find that men who master emotional attunement techniques ultimately get what they want: fewer arguments and more sex.

Emotional Attunement Warms Up Trust#

Why are emotional attunement techniques helpful in improving partner relationships? Women want men to provide support when they have needs. Women need to feel that men are always interested in them and can take care of them. Women need to feel respected by men, hope that men will listen to their needs, and establish a genuine emotional connection between each other. You might think all this is just cliché or nonsense. Before you think that way, let's look at a logical formula:

The most valued trait for women is trustworthiness.
Trust is built through emotional connections.
Emotional connections are achieved through emotional attunement.
Therefore, emotional attunement means trust.

So now the question is, where can we buy a jar of emotional attunement elixir? Unfortunately, you can't buy it. But you can learn it yourself. Emotional attunement is not rocket science; it is not complicated. Emotional attunement can be represented by a set of acronyms: A-TT-U-N-E.

Attention (ATTEND). When women need men, please give them your full attention. This means that when a woman wants to talk to you, turn off your game, put down your phone, and show through your actions that you care about her. You should care about what she says, even if it seems trivial to you. Because it is very important to her, and it signifies that both parties are building an emotional connection. If you are on a date, focus all your attention on the woman in front of you. Don't look around, don't check out other women, and definitely don't text your buddies while eating. Attention represents your feelings. Attention is your way of expressing love.

Turn Toward (TURN TOWARD). The turning toward mentioned here is not a metaphor or a trendy term. We want you to physically turn toward your partner because, in a woman's mind, intimacy means making eye contact. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist from Rutgers University, believes: "In a man's mind, intimacy means working or playing side by side. This form of intimacy may date back to prehistoric times. Imagine our male ancestors hiding behind bushes, quietly watching from a distance, preparing to hunt a buffalo. Although they faced the enemy together, they fought shoulder to shoulder rather than face to face." So men should remember that unless you and your woman are preparing to hunt buffalo together, please face her when you talk.

Understand (UNDERSTAND). No matter what a woman says, a man's job is always to understand. How to understand? Ask more questions. If a woman complains about her friend, don't rush to provide a solution, don't try to distract her, don't joke, don't think you can solve the problem, and don't try to downplay the impact of the issue. You should ask her how she feels at that moment and what this means to her. This not only shows that you can understand her but also indicates that you have a genuine interest in her life and are trying your best to understand what is important to her. When she complains about her mother or boss, or even gets angry with you, always remember that your primary task is to understand.

Non-defensive Listening (NONDEFENSIVELY LISTEN). If you can do the previous points—paying attention, turning your body toward her, and fully understanding her—then you have initially mastered the technique of non-defensive listening. It is especially important to use non-defensive listening techniques appropriately when a woman criticizes you. Do not react to her words. No one likes to be criticized; it feels like being attacked. But it is worth noting that if you argue or defend yourself, she will criticize you even more. Don't interrupt her conversation. Don't forget that any feelings you have are real to her. Whether you agree with her views and actions or not, at that moment, her feelings are real. You just need to listen to her feelings seriously. Why do you have two ears and only one mouth? Because you should spend twice as much time listening as you do expressing your opinions. Smart men follow these rules. Our observations in the Love Lab also confirm that listening is crucial. Only those men who can suppress their anger and do not react excessively can achieve better partner relationships.

If you want to go the distance with a woman, you need to let her truly know you and provide her with a sense of security. Emotional security, like emotional connection, can be established through emotional attunement techniques. When she tries to get your attention, she is expressing an emotional need. If you respond to her needs, she can gain emotional security from you and increase her trust in you. If you don't let her express her emotions, ignore her, or fail to resonate with her emotionally when she is upset, then she will not feel secure emotionally, and thus she will not feel safe being with you.

In addition to emotional security, women also need physical security. Everyone learns not to hit others in kindergarten. In fact, aside from physical attacks, there are some less obvious ways of interacting that can make women feel physically unsafe. Men are usually taller than women, and their voices are deeper and louder. If you emphasize yourself with your voice or size, or intimidate her, even if unintentionally, women will feel uneasy. This way, she cannot fully trust you. Even if you resonate emotionally with her around the clock, as long as you dominate your behavior with brute force, you will never establish trust and can never become a good man.

That's right, we need to talk about women's physiological cycles. Understanding women's physiological cycles and hormonal secretion patterns will help you understand what triggers women's emotional "switches." Three hormones determine women's physiological and psychological activities each day: estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. These three hormones determine women's activity levels, value orientations, and needs, as well as what they want, when they want it, and even who they want to be with. You read that right; one of them is indeed testosterone. Although testosterone is often referred to as a male hormone, it is equally important for women.

In the first two weeks of the physiological cycle, estrogen levels gradually rise, making women friendlier, more talkative, more relaxed, and calm, but also more emotionally sensitive. In the last two weeks of the physiological cycle, progesterone levels gradually rise, causing women to become more irritable, stressed, and less calm, and they may want to be alone more. During this period, women also become more introspective and creative. This is the basic pattern of women's physiological cycles. However, this basic pattern varies from person to person. As women age, this pattern changes as they gradually experience menopause.

Most women experience menopause in their forties to fifties, during which they become more irritable and prone to insomnia. Good men help their partners navigate menopause smoothly, allowing them to sleep better. Good men also do not hold women's emotional fluctuations against them. Women's needs and emotions change with their physiological cycles. This change can be subtle for some women and very pronounced for others. During ovulation, women become more emotional and have a stronger sexual desire. In the week before menstruation, women's progesterone levels drop, making them more emotionally sensitive, irritable, stressed, or melancholic. This is what we commonly refer to as premenstrual syndrome (PMS). PMS can last from one day to a full two weeks. Symptoms of PMS range from mild to severe anxiety and depression. It can also lead to physical discomfort for women, including headaches, back pain, cramps, bloating, and swelling. Women can take measures to alleviate PMS discomfort: exercise, reduce caffeine intake, take B vitamins or herbs, and if necessary, follow medical advice to take progesterone to treat depressive symptoms.

★ Physiological rhythms. Understanding how hormones affect women's daily emotions and recognizing that each woman is affected differently. Additionally, the impact of hormones changes as women age, and women's hormonal cycles affect their sexual desire and needs for you.
★ Fear. Women experience fear differently than men and are more likely to have a conditioned response to fear. After experiencing a terrifying event together, women are twice as likely as men to develop a conditioned response to it. When women feel fear, providing immediate comfort can quickly alleviate their fear. Of course, the prerequisite is that she feels happy being with you. If your relationship is not good, your comfort will not be effective.

Women are attracted to men's higher social status and confidence. You should continuously optimize yourself, showcase your best side, and emit enough non-verbal signals to demonstrate your social dominance, such as occupying the largest social space, touching among peers, being relaxed, making direct eye contact with women, and smiling. Avoid nervousness and inappropriate postures, such as crossing your arms or sitting with your legs crossed.

When men try to approach a woman, women actually hold the dominant position. They emit some non-verbal signals. You need to recognize those signals that indicate her interest in you:
★ She repeatedly looks at you but then quickly averts her gaze.
★ When talking to you, her body leans toward you.
★ The direction of her legs, feet, or shoulders is toward you.
★ She keeps playing with her hair.
★ She fiddles with her jewelry, like earrings, or lightly taps the stem of her wine glass.

Dating is also a continuous process of dialogue and mutual understanding.

During a date, you can ask her about her interests, passions, life dreams, and wish lists. You can also talk about where she has traveled and what she enjoys doing. You can ask her about her good friends, discuss their shared hobbies, and why she likes her friends. You can also talk about her family or her pets. You can ask her where she went to school and then follow up with open-ended questions about what she was most interested in while studying. But remember, there is a clear distinction between conversation and interrogation, so you should sincerely listen to her answers rather than firing off questions like in an interview. Besides body language, a clean and tidy appearance is also important, and gentlemanly behavior is paramount. Opening doors for her, walking on the street side, and matching her pace all demonstrate your ability to protect her. You should constantly think about how a good man would act, which increases your chances of getting a second date.

So, you need to be able to protect her, act like a gentleman, and more importantly, be yourself. You should be ready to show her your passion, interests, and life dreams. But please note, you should first talk about your friends, tell her what your friends are like, discuss the places you've traveled, and share happy or unhappy experiences. Women are different from men; they tend to cooperate rather than compete. If you have opposing views, don't directly say to her, "You're wrong." You can say, "That's interesting. Please tell me more." You should listen to her thoughts and show genuine interest, then you can say, "Okay, my perspective is..." But remember not to emphasize your differences by belittling her values.

Don't talk about your ex-girlfriend, and don't try to tell a story that paints you as a victim. Talk about yourself, what you want to do in your future life. Never make the fatal mistake some men do by asking women how they feel about the first date or whether they like you. Doing so reveals your lack of confidence and security. If you listen carefully, you will know the answers to these questions. Insecurity is a deadly killer of attraction; nothing can turn you from lovers to friends faster than insecurity.

★ Ask open-ended questions.
★ Show your true self, but if your voice is naturally high-pitched, speak in a deeper tone.
★ Listen attentively and create a sense of security through conversation.
★ Place the woman at the core of the conversation or date.
★ Look into her eyes and casually mimic her posture.
★ When you try to ask her to dance, request her phone number, or invite her out, you can lightly touch her forearm.
★ Be creative on the first date. Plan adventurous, fun, or exciting activities.
★ Exhibit gentlemanly behavior, such as opening doors or pulling out chairs.
★ Be confident and show an attitude that you can protect her.

Understand the hints. You can tell whether a woman is willing to be kissed by you. When she is interested, most of her attention will be on your eyes and lips. She may lick her lips or lightly bite her lower lip. You should look into her eyes and at her lips, observing whether she is smiling. She won't initiate the kiss; remember, no romantic novel cover depicts a woman initiating a kiss with a man, but she will give you hints and let you kiss her.

Take it slow. When you kiss her, don't rush to kiss her face. She will remember every detail of your first kiss for a long time. You wouldn't want to be remembered as a wild dog hanging on her face. Slowly bring your face closer to hers and see if her body leans back or stays in place. If she moves away, you may have misinterpreted her signals. If she stays still or leans slightly forward, that's the right moment to kiss her.

Build anticipation. Lightly touch her face; stroke her hair; bring your lips closer to hers and pause for a moment, letting her feel your breath. Remember to maintain oral hygiene. You should slowly build the attraction between you, allowing both desires to naturally arise until your lips touch. When people anticipate something wonderful, they release dopamine, which makes subsequent kisses even more enjoyable. Your ultimate goal is to make her want to kiss you more than she wants to breathe.

Kiss her. Slowly touch your lips to hers and then gently pause. Feel the moment. Don't rush to stick your tongue in her mouth. This is kissing, not sexual harassment. Increase the pressure of your lips until she responds, then take it further. If she opens her mouth, gently extend your tongue inside. Male saliva contains testosterone, which can enhance a woman's sexual desire. This doesn't mean you should slobber all over her; that won't help her sexual desire. Similarly, don't think that covering her mouth with saliva will enhance her sexual desire. A little moisture is just right; don't kiss her like a Saint Bernard. Stay fresh; drooling is not sexy.

Trust your instincts. Kissing is like dancing; every couple's dance is unique. You lead first, let her follow, and then let her take the lead. If she pulls away, stop kissing. If your instincts tell you her nerve endings are excited, then continue kissing her. Long kisses are wonderful.

Gentle touches. Kissing starts with the lips, but hands and arms can enhance the power of the kiss. Stroke her face and hair, wrap your arms around her neck. Your hands can move freely, but let them gently rest on her sides. Make her feel safe in your embrace. When you kiss for the first time, it's best not to try to touch her breasts.

Now your pheromones are ready, and your kiss has her enchanted, as if she sees a rainbow after the rain and dancing unicorns. What should you do next? Movies might suggest (of course, depending on the level of the film) that the screen should fade out, and you should naturally take off your clothes and make wild, passionate love.

We can't tell you what to do next. Well, actually, we can, and we will tell you. Before we discuss those things, we need to pause for a moment. After kissing, whether you have a one-night stand or a serious relationship is ultimately up to you. However, before telling you how to be a great lover, let's first teach you how to determine whether a woman is likely to enter a long-term monogamous relationship with you or have a serious date. When you are surrounded by oxytocin, you are less likely to engage those organs capable of long-term thinking. Therefore, you need to stay clear-headed. It could be that your kiss drives her crazy, or she might actually be a completely crazy person. In the next chapter, we will help you distinguish between the two situations.

★ Pheromones are chemical substances that create attraction, making some people smell just right for you.
★ Women's sense of smell is more sensitive than men's. Your pheromones may be attractive to some women but not to others. This is not personal.
★ You can control other body odors besides pheromones. Therefore, please maintain personal hygiene.
★ A bad first kiss can ruin your relationship.
★ Women remember their first kiss more than any other significant event in their lives. Make sure your first kiss leaves a good impression on her.
★ Kissing releases a lot of hormones that make you feel good.
★ You can learn how to make the first kiss more wonderful.

How to understand the most authentic her?
Observe how your partner treats her pets, friends, and family, and you will get a rough idea of how she will treat you. Take a step back and try to observe her as objectively as possible. Is she kind? Does she respect others? Does she have patience? Does she have passion? Does she think of others, or is she self-centered? Understanding her true self means understanding her heart, her thoughts, and her body. Do you trust her? Do you feel relaxed when interacting with her? Do you often laugh together? Can you understand her sense of humor? Can she understand yours? If you don't know her well enough to answer these questions or can't understand her, then your future with her will be difficult.

Mind. You need to observe whether she is a kind person or someone who often complains about family and friends. When negative events occur, does she blame others? When misunderstandings arise with friends and family, does she take responsibility? Is she honest in other relationships? Or does she often lie and make excuses? Is she loyal? Can she keep secrets? Will she immediately gossip after family and friends confide in her?

Remember, people are hard to change. If she cannot cherish the trust and loyalty of those close to her, she will treat you the same way. Is she open-minded or conservative? Is she responsible? Can she keep her promises and follow through? Is she good at communicating and negotiating, or does she anger others and create conflict? Is she easily neurotic? Neuroticism refers to two cognitive states: (1) she always focuses on the negative side of things, believing that any new situation will be a mess; (2) she endlessly ruminates on every little negative thing.

Thoughts. Is she consistent in her words and actions? Does she follow through? Does she trust you or doubt you? Or does she say she trusts you on the surface but actually checks your phone or repeatedly asks where you've been? Can she accept your friends, or does she always find faults in every friend? Does she secretly go through your drawers, check your emails, or interrogate every female friend on your social media? Does she endlessly message you, unable to wait for a reply? If you are not a playboy worth her suspicion, then these behaviors are significant red flags.

Body. Is there sexual chemistry between you? If there can be some intellectual exchange or interesting conversations between the two of you, that feels great. However, if there is no mutual attraction from the start, even if you debate fiercely for 200 rounds, there will be no magical spark between you.

Here we need to mention the infatuation again. Infatuation is highly selective; not everyone you meet will release those feel-good hormones toward you, nor will you release those hormones toward every girl you meet. If you fail to generate this hormonal mutual attraction when you first meet, it will be hard to cultivate it later.

Human biology is incredibly powerful and uncontrollable. So save your breath. You can pretend that you are very compatible, and she can pretend too. But deep down, you know whether there is chemistry between you. A one-night stand can accompany you through lonely nights, but if you are not passionately attracted to each other, she will ultimately not satisfy your deeper needs. A good partner relationship is a high degree of unity of body, mind, and spirit. Only foolish men would compromise to achieve one or two of these goals.

When your brain is not overly influenced by oxytocin, you should ask yourself some questions. Some specific personality traits or personality disorders can make your life very miserable and painful. You surely know the expression, "Don't go crazy." This is a crossword puzzle about your love life. You can fill in the blanks with any body part name you think is appropriate. People always offer a lot of advice for a happy life. The first piece of advice is: "Choose your life partner carefully. Your relationship determines 90% of whether your life is joyful or sad." This is not an exaggeration. You should always be vigilant about the following personality traits.

The damsel in distress. Does she often appear as a victim? Does she endlessly complain about negative relationships she has experienced? Has she ever said that friends betrayed her or that her ex-boyfriend was unfaithful and broke her heart? Does she always simply categorize people into two types: good or bad?

Be careful. In her eyes, at first, you may seem like a genuinely good person who saves her from a tragic fate, but eventually, you may also be categorized as a bad person. Does she constantly ramble on about her physical ailments, personal traumas, or family tragedies? In a relationship, you will always share some personal life experiences to strengthen your understanding of each other, and many of her shared experiences are filled with sad memories. But the question is, is her personality formed on the basis of trauma? Has she learned from past mistakes, heartbreaks, and traumas, or is she still reveling in her victim role? If she feels that everyone in her life has broken her heart, then you are likely to be the next person to hurt her.

Princess syndrome. Does she display a strong sense of superiority? Is she unable to treat others well, such as waiters, workers, or strangers, because these people are of lower social status, class, and value than her? If the answer is yes, then you have encountered a girl with princess syndrome.

When you open the door for her or pull out her chair, a princess will never say "thank you." They always feel that such treatment is a given and often demand that you spend a lot of money to show your care for them. Girls with princess syndrome often have unrealistic expectations of you. In their eyes, you may start as a prince charming, but as time goes by, you will ultimately be seen as no different from other "inferior" people. They lack empathy and do not understand basic etiquette; they will belittle others to feel good about themselves. A satirical cartoon published in The New York Times depicted a princess angrily shouting at a waiter, "Do you know who I think I am?"

Competitor. Does she overly emphasize her success? Does she brag about her various achievements and trophies while showing no interest in you? Whether with you or others, does she always need to come out on top?

Competitors are competitive about everything and often feel resentful. She will flirt with others to make you jealous, so you know how lucky you are to be with her. Her happiness is built on the mistakes of others. She wants to control everyone, including herself. She may also be a perfectionist. Such women have very strict dietary habits and find it hard to truly enjoy pleasure. Competitors have no sense of humor.

Drama queen. Is her life full of drama and chaos? Does she always have one problem after another, expecting you to solve them all? Does she face crises every day? Most people want a partner, not a problem that needs solving. Yet some men are unconsciously attracted to drama queens, getting caught up in the chaos they create. Her gas is turned off, she's locked out, she has unresolved issues with her ex-boyfriend, or her friendships are a mess. She may also have issues with substance or alcohol abuse. She might drink two or three drinks in one night. If her pupils become overly dilated or constricted, it could be a sign of substance abuse. She might refuse to eat anything. Without alcohol and parties, she might not be able to enjoy herself. Drama queens will bring you a lot of trouble, and ultimately you will be unable to solve them. If she doesn't change at all, can you accept her as she is?

The above personality traits are just examples and do not exhaust all cases. However, when you decide to embark on a long-term relationship, your basic principle should be to avoid these women as much as possible. While some personality traits indicate more serious personality disorders, the distinction between an ordinary damsel in distress and borderline personality disorder is still clear, as is the difference between princess syndrome and narcissistic personality disorder, and between drama queens and those with genuine substance abuse issues.

When deciding whether to date this woman, the most important question is: how does she make you feel when you are with her? Can you easily laugh and feel at home with her? Do you feel energized and joyful? Can you chat endlessly with her and communicate smoothly? Do you share the same values? Are you willing to understand her in all aspects and take her to meet your family and friends? Does she make you feel better about yourself? Can she successfully evoke your inner excellent qualities?

If your body, mind, and spirit align well with hers, then your relationship will not just be a one-night stand.

★ Oxytocin can blur your judgment and weaken your fear response. When you are excited and feel joy, you release oxytocin, which can promote bonding between both parties. Therefore, the term "platonic sex" is inherently contradictory.
★ Infatuation is the first stage of mutual attraction or love. During this stage, you will think about each other endlessly, have trouble sleeping, be sentimental, and be excited about love. During the infatuation phase, you will be enveloped by a lot of hormones, to the point of ignoring some warning signals in your interactions.
★ You may become infatuated with certain people due to hormones or childhood imprints. You should reflect on whether you are always attracted to the same type of woman. Be vigilant about conscious or subconscious motives.
★ If you feel a body, mind, and spirit connection with a woman, then your relationship is not just a one-night stand.
★ If there is no chemistry from the start, there will never be chemistry.

You accompany your partner to buy a dress, and after she comes out of the fitting room, she stands in front of the mirror and repeatedly asks you, "Honey, do I look like I've gained weight? Do you think this dress makes me look fat?" What are your thoughts at that moment? (Be honest; you can choose multiple options)
A. Why does she keep asking me the same question every day? Why does she care so much about others' opinions? Sigh, I'll just brush it off; she won't believe me anyway if I say "not fat."
B. If she thinks she's gained weight, should I comfort her? Finally, I have a chance to suggest she join me at the gym!
C. Does she even like this dress? Should I just say, "Not fat, looks good, buy it!" like they suggest online?
D. She's already this thin and still thinks she's fat? That's too high of a standard for herself! Are we still going to eat later? I'm starving!
E. Does it really matter if she's fat or not? Isn't the focus on whether it looks good? If it looks good, buy it; if not, exchange it. What's there to be conflicted about?

Good men will occasionally compliment the details of a woman's appearance. For example, how beautiful she looks in that colorful dress, or how charming her shoulders are when the light shines on them. Good men will also praise how lovely a woman's face looks in the moonlight, how enchanting her smile is. Good men will even compliment a breastfeeding woman or tell a woman how happy she looks when he sees her first thing in the morning, even if she is still sleepy and bare-faced. Good men will tell women how wonderful it is to make love to them and that they love every part of their bodies.

Men hope women can understand these heartfelt compliments about their bodies. They also hope women can break through the self-doubt imposed by society and accept these compliments. They want women to truly feel every compliment and every touch. Men hope that such actions can counteract the unfair and malicious evaluations of women's bodies by others and reverse the self-doubt women experience when looking in the mirror.

This is not an easy task. Women see 400 to 600 advertisements daily, with 1 in 11 ads directly showing women what the perfect body looks like. By the time a woman turns 60, she will have seen over 6 million ads telling her what the ideal woman looks like. Guess what? In fact, these digitally altered, unrealistic beauty standards are unattainable for women. Over the past 20 years, the ideal female image has been excessively retouched and photoshopped to the point where women cannot possibly meet these unrealistic beauty standards. Even the models in the ads fall short of the perfect image they portray. Many studies have proven that the so-called ideal female image has negative effects. The end result is that every time a woman looks in the mirror, she feels pain.

Humor columnist Dave Barry once said that when a woman asks you, "Do I look fat in this?" the only standard answer is to pretend to have a heart attack and then faint. But the problem is, you can't keep staging heart attacks year after year. A smart man should respond like this: "No matter what you wear, you are beautiful." That is the only correct answer. Just answer like that; you have no other choice. This answer should even be mandated by law; if you don't answer this way, you should be punished with fines. You must believe us on this answer.

The vast majority of women are taught from a young age that their appearance is their greatest asset and the essence of pleasing others and gaining love.
Women cannot separate their self-worth from their bodies, so they often define their value by their appearance. Beauty is a survival strategy for women, and they are constantly pressured to maintain their beauty, comparing their reflection with society's defined beauty standards.

Overall, both men and women are brainwashed by society's defined beauty standards. These beauty standards have long been promoted by the fashion and entertainment industries. You can certainly tell women every day how beautiful they are, but as long as women find discrepancies between themselves and standardized beauty, they will feel ugly. If she feels her body is ugly, her self-esteem will suffer. If her self-esteem is low, she will find it hard to appreciate her body and will not feel happy about your appreciation of her body. This is a vicious cycle.

The problem is that women believe they can increase their strength, perseverance, knowledge, competitiveness, or wisdom, but they cannot "increase" their beauty. They believe they can perfect their resumes but feel powerless to "fix" their bodies. At the same time, the media constantly reminds women that their beauty will fade with age. The societal standards for men are typically power, success, achievements, and their abilities within their respective fields. However, for women, society measures not only these but also their appearance and grooming. A man's successful appearance is a standard outfit, namely a suit, tie, and dress shoes; if he cares about appearance, he might also consider his hairstyle. But a woman's successful appearance has millions of standards. What message does wearing pants instead of a skirt convey?

Is the color of the clothing too bright? Do the accessories match the occasion? Even if they match, do they look expensive? Does this makeup create misunderstandings? What about the hairstyle? Women need to endlessly groom themselves before stepping out, not out of vanity but because society constantly reminds them to pay attention to their appearance, and people treat them differently based on their looks. This is not a matter of right or wrong, fairness or unfairness; it is a test women face every day.

Men may think that joking about the donuts a woman is eating or her thigh size is funny, but that's not the case. Every time you say something derogatory about her, you will need to make hundreds or thousands of compliments to make up for it later. Nothing hurts a woman more than comments about her appearance. What you can do is try to understand the long-standing and painful perceptions women have about their personal appearance and tell her that you understand. You need to understand that a significant need for women is to meet societal expectations, which is why they endlessly diet, buy new clothes, over-exercise, look in the mirror, and resort to cosmetic surgery as a means to combat normal aging. A woman's self-esteem heavily relies on her appearance. If she gains even a little weight, she will immediately have an emotional breakdown. Women have a very fragile relationship with their bodies, and there are deep-rooted reasons for this. You just need to know that if she thinks she is ugly, she cannot accept your compliments about her body.

Of course, you cannot reverse the negative messages she has received since birth, but your understanding can help her a lot. You cannot change the unrealistic beauty standards imposed on her by society with your personal power, even the smartest men cannot, but you can make her feel that she is beautiful in your eyes.

Only when you are fully focused on her will she feel beautiful. Only when you love her with your eyes, hands, and lips will she feel beautiful.

Women believe that men are always comparing and scrutinizing them, just as they are constantly self-scrutinizing. Your duty is to make her believe that no matter what she wears, she is beautiful and charming. As we mentioned at the beginning of this book, men can make or break any relationship, including the relationship between a woman and her own body. You cannot control the fashion industry, but you can understand how men and women are brainwashed by it. You can also look at your partner with loving eyes like an artist, appreciating her unique qualities and body curves. Although Madison Avenue endlessly showcases slender models, being thin does not mean everything. Men hope women become healthy, curvy, and true to themselves.

Psychologist and author Joni Johnston mentioned in her work that when the Black Death swept through Europe, killing one-third of the population, the societal standard for female beauty was for women to look plump, as if pregnant. Even single women were expected to look "more fertile." Just look at the oil paintings from the Renaissance to the Victorian era, and you will find that women back then were much fuller than women today. This was the most primitive form of photo editing. Only now do we photoshop women to be slimmer, while artists of the past chose to depict women as fuller to showcase their sensuality and vitality. It wasn't until the 1920s that the image of the slender woman began to emerge. This was due to the rise of the feminist movement, where women began to subjectively reject traditional female images. Since then, the concept that women should be slender has taken root, leading to various eating disorders and imbalances among young women. Meanwhile, when a society becomes materially abundant, being thin also symbolizes strong self-control or represents a sense of ethereal abstinence, appearing very pure. Thus, after the Industrial Revolution, as the middle class rose and material wealth increased, being thin became a trend.

There are many reasons for this dissatisfaction. In a patriarchal society, women have long been considered men's property. The more beautiful and fertile they appear, the more they can demand high prices from men. Of course, this high price is reflected in the form of dowries. In the past, women only learned how to manage household affairs; most women could neither read nor write, so their appearance became a symbol of their identity. Women have been influenced by this notion for over 3,000 years, and it has become ingrained in their bones. Once they become aware of their femininity, they begin to compare themselves with other women. They always feel their appearance is not good enough because they place too much emphasis on their looks.

To be a good lover, the most important thing is to make her feel that you adore and love her body, both in and out of bed. As we mentioned earlier, if they cannot feel comfortable in their bodies, they cannot comfortably share their bodies with you. We also want to let you in on a little secret: a woman's desire depends on how needed she feels. You might be the sexiest Mr. Olympia, but as long as she is dissatisfied with her body, she will not be interested in your sexy body. Making love is not just something that happens in bed. Even before getting into bed, your words, smiles, and glances will influence your sexual relationship. In other words, a woman's most sensitive organ is actually her brain. If she feels attractive to you and can sense your passion and investment, then you are already a remarkable lover. You don't even need to use your fingers, tongue, or first entry to stimulate her.

Now that you understand her brain and spirit, we can discuss how to conquer her body.

★ Women encounter hundreds of advertisements daily, all constantly telling them what their bodies should look like. Women find it hard to meet the ideal body standards created by the fashion and entertainment industries, and your responsibility is to tell her that she is beautiful just as she is.
★ Women have a very fragile relationship with their bodies. Even small jokes about her weight, clothing size, or personal charm can deeply hurt her. Good men never criticize a woman's body.
★ Men can never reverse society's stereotypes about women, which state that thinner is more beautiful. However, men can make women feel their beauty.
★ Compliment her. Let her know how much you love and adore her as she is.
★ If a woman is dissatisfied with her body or feels that you find her unattractive, she cannot establish a secure connection with you in a sexual relationship.

What are your thoughts on your girlfriend having a male best friend? (Multiple choices)
A. Is she often talking bad about me in front of that guy behind my back?
B. This is absolutely not acceptable; there is no pure friendship between men and women.
C. It's normal; guys can have female friends too.
D. I feel a sense of crisis; I need to become stronger than that guy.
E. It's so unfair; she doesn't allow me to get close to other girls, but she is so close to that guy.
F. They need to end this relationship; if she is unwilling, we should break up.

After dating for a few weeks, both parties begin to become familiar and comfortable with each other. At this point, you may suddenly experience a thrilling rollercoaster-like experience. This experience is common in any partner relationship because conflicts are inevitable. We discussed earlier that in a partner relationship, what men want, besides more sex, is fewer arguments. Believe us, more sex and fewer arguments are closely linked. Although people may choose to believe in the so-called "makeup sex," arguments do indeed lower a woman's sexual desire. Men feel the same way. The good news is that you can learn how to reduce arguments and resolve conflicts more quickly. Even better, once you learn this, you can have more sex.

You need to remember that if a woman is angry or feels frustrated, or if she thinks you are not listening to her, not understanding her, or not caring about her feelings, then she will not have sex with you. Whether these emotions are caused by you or not, she will not have sex with you. When she is angry or sad, you should neither bully her nor argue with her. You cannot solve her sadness. In this situation, you cannot use your logical reasoning and negotiation skills, even though these may be useful in the office or on the sports field, and you can communicate rationally with men you play poker with, but these do not work in front of your woman. If you can accept this in advance, both of you can avoid a lot of headaches.

When conflicts arise, what women need is an excellent listener. In the face of conflict, a woman's goal is for her partner, which is you, to better understand her; solving the problem is secondary, while for men, solving the problem is the primary goal. Men prefer to use a large-scale strike deterrent strategy when solving problems, much like the U.S. military's invasion of Iraq. This is not much different from their ancestors. Primitive men were adept at using large-scale strike deterrent strategies when hunting buffalo, attacking neighboring tribes, or teaching other primitive men who tried to approach their caves and women.

If you want to resolve conflicts with your woman, this deterrent strategy is probably not useful.

Triggers of Women's Anger#

Conflicts occur without rhythm and do not even need a reason. Psychologist Paul Ekman believes that conflicts are "regrettable events." These events are unavoidable in all partner relationships. Even if you are the happiest couple in the world, conflicts will still arise.

How do these regrettable events usually happen? Are conflicts about family? Or are they about sex? Research shows that most conflicts occur without any specific reason. Yes, most conflicts arise without any particular cause.

★ Conflicts will always occur, even if your relationship is perfect.
★ Men and women get angry at the same frequency, but they handle anger differently.
★ Women get angry for three reasons: powerlessness, injustice, or others' irresponsibility.
★ When conflicts arise, men are more likely to be in a state of physiological arousal than women. This makes it harder for men to resolve conflicts with humor, empathy, or understanding.
★ Men have evolved traits such as high alertness, aggressiveness, and a tendency to retaliate when provoked.
★ You can suppress anger in three ways: deep breathing, counting to ten, and taking a break to relax.
★ If your partner criticizes you, she is actually in a lot of pain. Your task is to find the root of her pain by asking these three questions: What are your needs? What are you worried about? How do you feel?

Why Does Buying a Pair of Shoes Take So Long? Understanding the Evolutionary Importance of Shopping#

Shopping is a common cause of conflict between men and women. However, shopping is an important biological trait that women have evolved. You cannot change it, nor do you need to be frustrated about it. But as long as you understand the meaning behind women's shopping behavior, you can avoid conflicts arising from shopping. Remember, your goal is harmony, and harmony comes from your insight into female traits, and you need to coordinate emotional responses.

Humans originally survived in caves and tribes. At that time, women were responsible for gathering food. However, they could not predict what they would gather that day. In many primitive tribes, members relied on women to go out and gather food and nurture infants. Women could gather wood, berries, nuts, tubers, as well as tea leaves and medicinal herbs. Gathering activities would last all day. Women would gather continuously, hoping to collect as much as possible.

Women in 8000 B.C. faced significant pressure because gathering required extensive knowledge. Women needed to support an important part of the hunting-gathering production relationship, namely gathering. Gathering activities required the help of other women; they did not like to act alone. They would go out every day but could not foresee what they would bring home. They only knew they had to gather many useful items that were edible and not toxic. The entire tribe relied on women to complete this daunting task. Gathering also required strong memory and attention to detail, which explains why women generally have better memories than men.

What does all this have to do with women's love for shopping? From an evolutionary perspective, natural selection favored women with strong detail memory and gathering abilities. We are all descendants of these women. The first women on Earth had to bravely face the wilderness while searching for wood, food, drinking water, and medicine. They also had to find various items to beautify themselves, decorate their homes, and sew warm clothing. The healthy development of the tribe depended on women's gathering skills, memory, and creativity. Women made tribal life better. Men hunted, and women gathered. Both parties had to excel at their work for everyone to survive together.

Humans no longer live in caves. However, even today, when women go shopping, it seems they still carry the basket used for gathering and the creativity and memory that evolved for it. This way, they can bring back food, drinking water, medicine, and various necessities to beautify themselves, their families, and their tribes.

This "caring and assisting" approach of women can make shopping take a long time. However, this is also a point that attracts men, as women possess a unique ability to connect with others. Even during shopping, women can establish these connections. These gender differences lead to men shopping for shorter periods, which can frustrate many men.

The Meaning of Women's Shopping#

A woman's identity is forever determined by her clothing and appearance. A woman's identity recognition, or her prejudice against appearance, is not a fantasy created in her brain, nor is it entirely invented by the fashion industry on Madison Avenue in New York.

The primary purpose of women's shopping is to buy clothes, cosmetics, and jewelry. All of this is related to appearance. The competition among women regarding appearance is similar to the competition among men in work or sports. Women feel they need to constantly prove themselves because they subconsciously believe that if they do not look good, they cannot gain men's love and commitment. They may not even realize that they have long been worried about their ability to spread and propagate their genes. Therefore, for women, shopping is both a personal need and a need to propagate their genes. If she spends more time choosing clothes, it is because what she wears is a matter of life and death for her.

★ Shopping is rooted in women's genes. Since ancient times, women have needed to be good gatherers for survival.
★ Most (but not all) women enjoy shopping. Shopping is a way for them to showcase their creativity and proactivity, and it is also a social experience.
★ Women are responsible for 85% of purchasing decisions in a household.
★ Shopping requires keen memory. Women generally have better memories than men.
★ Men shop in a way similar to how their ancestors hunted. They approach the prey, strike quickly, and then leave with the catch. Women, on the other hand, establish connections with others and build interpersonal relationships through shopping.
★ If you hate shopping, then don't go.
★ Studies show that a woman's sense of style is a long-term indicator of predicting marriage success.
★ If she takes a long time to buy shoes, especially high heels, don't complain. In this regard, you should trust us.

Understanding Women's Friendships with Their Best Friends#

If you have established a serious partner relationship with a woman, then you will also form a similar relationship with her friends. Pray that they will like you. Because if they don't like you, your life will not be easy. Undoubtedly, women are particularly adept at managing these intimate friendships, while most men have little experience with this. Men certainly have friends, even very close friends, but men's friendships rarely involve women. Men do not whisper secrets to each other, do not cuddle closely, and do not walk hand in hand down the street. Although they may do so in many places, men do not refer to their good friends as "baby" or "sweetheart." Although men may hug their friends, overall, they do not express affection through intimate gestures as women do. While not all women have such intimate interactions with their friends, generally speaking, female friendships are more likely to follow this pattern. We must admit that sometimes even the most magnanimous men may feel a bit jealous of the relationship between their partner and her best friend. To be more frank, men may feel a bit threatened.

Another purpose of female primates forming close groups is to help defend against threats from large carnivores and other male primates, thus ensuring survival. Therefore, female primates spend a lot of time together grooming each other, strengthening social networks, and ensuring safety. In primates, the frequency with which one female individual is groomed by other females indicates her social status and can predict her likelihood of being attacked by large carnivores. The more connections she has with other females, the more help she receives. Although it is unlikely that there are large carnivores in modern hair salons, women still choose to get their nails and hair done together. While we cannot directly compare this behavior to the grooming behavior of primates, the underlying principle is quite similar. Women help and connect with each other, and even if this does not directly aid their physiological survival, it is still necessary for their psychological well-being.

★ Compared to men, social connections between women are tighter.
★ Women have their own social groups to ensure their survival and that of their offspring.
★ The "caring and assisting" model promotes the secretion of oxytocin and lowers stress levels.
★ The more friends a woman has, the healthier she is and the longer she will live.
★ Women without friends are 66% more likely to die young.
★ Men primarily seek social support from their wives, while women seek social support from their best friends.
★ Men with tendencies toward domestic violence will try to control or limit their partner's social connections.
★ A partner's best friend is supporting her and supporting you.
★ If your partner has few female friends, you should encourage her to expand her social circle.
★ Women can maintain many friendships and establish connections. They have an infinite capacity to love.

Is She Your Only One? Understanding Women and Commitment#

★ Men, like women, crave commitment.
★ Most men know what kind of woman is their true love. This woman must be inherently suitable for you. She smells right, feels right, and looks right.
★ Love has three stages, each with selectivity. You cannot fall in love with everyone, nor can you adapt to everyone.
★ The first stage of love, the infatuation phase, lasts several months. During this time, you are not suited to make lifelong decisions.
★ The second stage of love focuses on trust. You also need to know whether you will be ready to support each other when problems arise.
★ The third stage of love is loyalty and commitment.
★ Married men live longer, earn more money, and are healthier than men who choose to cohabit without marriage.
★ You do not need to have the same preferences as your partner. However, you must be compatible in how you handle conflicts and express feelings and love.
★ If she makes you feel good about yourself, then she may be the right person for you. When you are with her, you feel more energized, more adventurous, and happier.
★ Finding the right person and making a commitment requires you to do everything in your power to maintain the relationship.

The "20 Rules of Dating" is a summary used to guide how to get along in a relationship. Although there is no fixed standard and each couple's situation is different, the following rules can serve as a reference:

Sincere Communication: Honesty is the foundation of a good relationship.
Respect Each Other: Respect each other's thoughts, views, and feelings.
Trust Each Other: Trust is the pillar of a relationship.
Give Each Other Space: Everyone needs independent time and space.
Understanding and Tolerance: Mutual understanding and tolerance for each other's small flaws.
Care for Each Other: Always pay attention to each other's needs and provide care.
Maintain Romance: Even in busy daily life, keep elements of romance alive.
Zero Tolerance for Violence: Any form of violence, whether verbal or physical, is intolerable.
Support Each Other: Provide support and encouragement during difficult times.
Grow Together: Encourage each other to grow in careers and life.
Avoid Over-dependence: Maintain individuality and avoid excessive reliance on each other.
Learn to Compromise: When opinions differ, learn to compromise and make concessions.
Be Cautious with Promises: Make promises carefully to avoid making unfulfillable commitments.
Be Patient: Patience is crucial in relationships; avoid impatience.
Resolve Conflicts: Communicate and resolve issues early instead of avoiding or evading them.
Respect Each Other's Privacy: Do not impose unnecessary pressure or invade personal space.
Avoid Prejudice: Avoid biases based on gender, age, background, etc.
Maintain Individuality: People in love should have their own interests and hobbies, not lose themselves.
Pay Attention to the Quality of Dates: Occasional high-quality dates can deepen feelings.
Cherish Each Other: No matter what difficulties arise, never forget the initial intentions.

These "rules" are designed to help couples establish healthy, balanced relationships, promote mutual growth, and enjoy sweet moments together.